Crazy, Aggressive and Abusing Incident – Experience by H4 Spouse

> Following post was shared by Manasa.

I dunno if this experience is worth-sharing or not. If you think this is inappropriate or gonna affect the feelings of particular race or class, do not share it.

I stay in Dallas on H4 visa.

I was just learning driving.

I was driving with the trainer seated beside.

We stopped at the gas station beside the gas tank.

The trainer left the car saying he would fill the fuel. I was sitting still in the driver’s seat.

He went into gas station before fueling and was back in 3-4 minutes.

Meantime,there were two cars, one in-front of me at another gas tank, the other was behind me(it seems the back car missed the slot in which I parked.)

I was on phone. Suddenly, I dunno what happened, two African American ladies from the back and the front cars came and started pointing finger towards me and shouting something.

I slid my glass door down and said am still learning and the trainer will be here in a minute.

I am sure there are other slots to use too. They became really aggressive and started abusing.

I closed my glass door back again. They just stood there all the time(4-5 minutes) calling the number on the car and shouting.

The guy came and they said something to him. The guy ignored them started fueling. They moved to another slot but still they were shouting.We left from there ignoring them.

I guess its the driver’s mistake not to fuel as soon as we got there. Yet, there are other unused slots too.

Why does they have to be so aggressive?

Why are they so crazy?

Seriously, Where do these guys come from?

I don’t really get it.

This may not sound serious. But, I do know heck of lot of crazy incidents happened especially with the particular kind of race.

Once, my husband was pointed a gun by a African American guy( in Cleveland).

You might have also known similar kind of experiences with the many immigrants(especially) working,studying,etc..

We always flaunt about the greater things of America. I sure agree it.

But, what can we do about incidents like these?

How can students especially can handle these kind of situations?

We don’t know what may happen if we reply rudely; they may carry guns.

I just want to know how to handle these or even worse kind of situations?

 

36 Comments

  1. haile on August 12, 2012 at 8:09 AM

    I think it is the matter of job opportunity and educational background and opportunities. If more white people are uneducated and unemployed there is a high possibility they will work in crime related activities such as drug dealing, robbery and other group gang violation and alcholism. Unfortunetelly, many blacks had lost the opportunity to get a better education as their parents and grand parents were slaved and made poor by our white grand parents. hence the impact is still continue that more blacks and some whites are still in robbnery to sustain their lives

  2. Sreekumar on August 11, 2012 at 3:24 AM

    Hullo Manasa, Many people have offered you sensible and sane advice here; so, I won’t go into that. I lived in the U.S. for over 25 years, most of it in Manhattan, and worked at jobs or went to classes which required me to travel through some of the most depressed and crime ridden sections of New York City. America in those years had a lot more street crime than it does now. I can’t say I have not been fearful on occasions, but I was determined not to let prejudice guide my behavior. I was mugged twice, both times in my own seemingly peaceful white neighborhood, both times by white people. The second time there were two people – one a white man in his late 30s and a Black man of about 23 or 24. I was walking home when these two passed me. The white man hit me in the face and I fell to the sidewalk. He sat on my chest and tried to cover my mouth with his hand to stop me from yelling for help. The Black man stood back and kept shouting, “Hey, leave that guy alone.” The man sitting on my chest asked the other one to get my wallet. He came over, yanked the man off my chest, pushed him away and said, “leave the guy alone.” What does one make of this? That white men are muggers and Blacks are kind and compassionate? It is a one-off incident and there are no lessons to be learnt from this about who is more racist or violent than the other. But that is a whole different discussion. For now, there are two things I would like to impress upon you : One – On no account carry a gun. Don’t buy one, don’t carry one, don’t keep one at your home or in the car. Don’t let your husband buy one or carry one. GUNS DO NOT SOLVE ANYTHING. THEY KILL AND MOST OFTEN (There are a hundred studies which prove this) THEY KILL YOU, YOUR CHILDREN OR YOUR FRIENDS OR LOVED ONES. I would like to ask the young man who wouldn’t allow anyone to “fuck with him” how many times a store owner stopped a robbery or a hold up with a shot gun stashed under the counter. I can tell you – NEVER; ZILCH. People who hold up stores know who has a gun and where it is kept. And all that nonsense about pleading self defense and getting away with murder is big talk and sounds great on paper. I don’t know if this young man has ever gone into a county court room and seen what happens there. You have probably shot some teen aged Black kid and his wailing mother and grandmother will be there. The whole community would be outside the court room carrying placards screaming in big letters : FRY INDIAN RACISTS; JUSTICE FOR TYRONE POWELL or whatever, and the Prosecutor will have witnesses swearing how you always had a thing against Blacks and the Public Defender will get you a plea bargained sentence for 12-15 years. You see the picture. This is not FOX Crime. on TV.
    SO, DEAR MANASA, NO GUNS; NEVER.
    The other thing I can tell you is: Make friends in the community. After an incident like the one you described, go to the local precinct and check with a desk sergeant what to do in situations like this. The police dept. usually gives classes on handling dicey situations. They are often held in local high schools or community colleges. Talk to the people who come there; make friends. You will see that there are a lot of Black women seeking advice in these meetings. They are often as much victims as we are. Get involved in other community activities. If you have a local public library, volunteer to read to little children when they organize such programs. Volunteer to tell the stories of the Indian epics to elementary school children. Knowing mothers and being liked by them is a good way to find acceptance in a community. Once they know that our hopes and ambitions and struggles are no different from theirs, they will begin to see you as one of their own. Invite people to your festivals, attend theirs. Once you get know people in the community, you will be less fearful when confronted with a situation like the one at the gas station. As someone here has said, TALK. YOU CAN ALWAYS DEFUSE A TENSE SITUATION BY SHOWING A WILLINGNESS TO TALK. There is no one formula to deal with every situation. There are times when talk may be the last thing you want to do. As someone said, “Walk away.” But walking away may insult and incense someone else. There is no one answer. Your knowledge of the people in that locality and of what makes them tick will help you to read a situation and respond to it appropriately. GOOD LUCK. Don’t let this incident sour your views of America. There are many good things we can learn from them. I always think of the years I spent there as the best years of my life. Be Well. God Bless.

    • Art on August 11, 2012 at 11:02 AM

      Sreekumar

      Very well said.

      Art

    • manasa on August 11, 2012 at 11:10 AM

      Sreekumar

      Thanks a ton. I guess I got the answer for my post. 🙂

  3. anil on August 11, 2012 at 12:20 AM

    you are not right to generalize this about all african americans…. its as someone said here earlier, for all the things we say are not right but are done to us just because we are indians, we have a worse racist attitude…. (most of us…. :D) but its partly due to the main thing thats wrong with indians anywhere in the world….. we are ignorant…. we always like to live as if we are in our home town even when we are a million miles away…. thats ok to an extend but then we start bad mouthing people just because they dont fit our way of living…. i am sure you would have been shouted at for the same thing even if you were filling up in delhi…. plus you could have actually gotten out and started filling yourself when the trainer took some time to get back…. its not upto you how other people react to situations and you seem to be ignorant enough to say “hey, those people are african americans, hence it must be their fault….” as someone else said here, they are just a little loud sometimes and that doesnt mean that they wanna kill you…. havent you experienced the same thing when dealing with people from other parts of india? i myself have been mistaken several times when some of the people from my class used their own languages because most times it sounded like they where arguing about something but they actually weren’t….. plus i think its kind of your problem as you did not get out and start filling, i would have yelled at you myself if i was waiting in line, even if there were other slots open doesnt mean you can just sit talking on your phone right in front of one….

    • manasa on August 11, 2012 at 9:14 AM

      yes.. you might have yelled at me.
      But, am sure you wont use that kinda curse words and abusive language.

      • anil on August 11, 2012 at 4:15 PM

        thats just the difference in the way people yell…. now i understand why you are soooo upset…. its because of the cursing and the language…. i agree completely with you there…. i hate it when people are unnecessarily using offensive language, especially since i never use more offensive words than “get lost!” even when i yell a lot…. but i think the way to deal with it is to not delve too deeply into the meanings and sense of the words and language but to think of it as what some people say when they are mad (thats what i do :D)…. i have seen in many places both in and outside India, that the people dont actually mean the exact words, its just their way of showing how angry they are…. if you think about it you will know its true, different people get angry in different ways…. i understand you being offended by their language but thats where the difference in cultures that i talked about comes in…. but all things said i still think it would have been a lot better if you had gotten out and started filling yourself, you could have avoided this problem all together….

  4. verghese on August 10, 2012 at 9:55 PM

    Black neighborhoods aren’t very safe and have high crime rates. Stay away form those people

    • A on August 11, 2012 at 12:53 AM

      did u know using d word “black” is legally prosecutable?

      • Bipasha Basu on August 17, 2017 at 9:32 PM

        I went to a school with lots of ‘Black’ people (though I hate the use of this word to describe them). For all I can say that they are really nice people, though sometimes they can be loud like us Indians. But I would just hate to brand them for this reason. I believe there is just good people or bad people and you will find them in every religion, race, caste or creed! Keep an open mind, learn from the situation and move on!

  5. munna on August 10, 2012 at 7:09 PM

    we Indians have a bad perception about African American people but they are nice people. they are not racist-they have suffered themselves in US for centuries. they speak loudly and that doesnt mean they were aggressive.
    Indians in US (especially ladies) have a bad habit of being on phone all the time at public places which causes discomfort to other people.

    • DEV on August 10, 2012 at 10:43 PM

      Whaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt??? Being on phone bothers??? C’mon i dont know if its true but wth?? STUPID COUNTRY DEN!!!!!!!!!!

    • A on August 11, 2012 at 12:54 AM

      and that brings on racism??????
      dude dont just make uneducated comment for the sake of it!!!!!

    • manasa on August 11, 2012 at 9:23 AM

      Not all the Indians in US (especially ladies) talk phone all the times at public places I guess. 🙂

      So now you might not speak about all the Indian guys but most or some of them.
      and so am I(when I say about that particular race)

  6. Vishwa on August 10, 2012 at 5:27 PM

    The only thing I can suggest is NOT to use mobile/cell phones at the Gas Station. Read some stories here: http://www.snopes.com/autos/hazards/gasvapor.asp and http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=127836&page=1#.UCV72p1lSM4

    Were they shouting at you because of that?

  7. suraj on August 10, 2012 at 4:25 PM

    Sorry what happened with you…but you handled situtation wisely at the movement….
    These kind of situations happen for lotss of indians(coz are outsiders hence easy targets) everyday especially ones living or going for work in downtowns or african american dominated areas……we were asked for change or cigrattes so many times by people on the roads we gave or ignored as per situation(if its dark and no one’s around just gave them if its crowded just ignore them)….people are kind of used to these things in america and they happen on a regular basis with lots of people

  8. Art on August 10, 2012 at 3:55 PM

    Dear Manasa

    Everyone has his/her own views. It is hard to say what you should have done or not; it is even harder to speak of your own perception of the circumstance that faced you. You were there and not I. One thing I can conclude from your post is that you were fearful; and quite rightly so. I just wish to add that I am glad that no harm came to you. The US, like anywhere else is a big melting pot of people of difficult cultures and behaviour.. Do not let this incident break your spirit, but use same as a learning tool. Be well Manasa; excel Manasa. Next time, it might be a good thing to full the tank, firstly; move away from the pump, then proceed to do other activities. If you suggest this to your instructor, s/he might just see wisdom in your suggestion.

    Best regards

    Art

  9. vish on August 10, 2012 at 2:46 PM

    I am really sorry about what happened with you.

    I can’t get it, why did you not note down their license plate numbers and inform the police.

    On what grounds do you say it’s racist or anti-immigrant? It may be just that you cut her while she was waiting to get gas.

    As for flaunting American greatness, its American greatness that you came out unhurt, you would have been in a hospital in India in a similar situation. I know this comment hurts but if you look at all the racist attacks in South and West India every other day or the number of people who get into hospital after road rages, you will know I am not wrong.

    • DEV on August 10, 2012 at 10:45 PM

      AGAIN BAD OF INDIA. OH M SICK NOW

    • A on August 11, 2012 at 12:58 AM

      hey Vish, i have seen your other comments…..what is it you have against India? I hope you are an NRI already or plan to be one, soon. I’d personally like to kick out a biased america-blinded mothercounty-hating butt like yours. Hard

    • anil on August 11, 2012 at 4:37 PM

      dude, you are the racist here…. its not in america alone that there can be racism you know? your comment on south and west india makes it very clear…. i just have to tell you two things here and am not gonna say more…. most south indians will probably give a shout out “hey, what do you think you are doing? ” and then probably steam in their cars all the way to their offices (which does not affect you in any way) while most people from western india would probably give you a cold stare till you are out of their sight…. the second thing is that did you know that the most famous case of road rage in india happened with a famous cricket player from the northern end, who happened to hit a guy in his rage and the guy died on the spot? i am not giving names here but you must know who i mean and this happened in the north, the same place where i have seen lorry drivers weighed down with more load than their old trucks can carry stop on a steep incline just so they can ask some other truck driver who they dont know if he needs some help just because the other truck is stopped with its bonnet open, the same north where i have seen guys getting out of their cars to help the cars behind them navigate a hairpin bend -where half the road has been washed away in the rain and there is just room for one car to pass at a time only if someone manages the traffic coming from both sides- for a half hour before some other guy decides to get out of their car and take over so the other guy can get back on his way….

      so i think you shouldnt be making generalized statements about things you dont really know about, maybe you had a bad experience in the south where someone yelled at you and since you didnt know the language he seemed to be threatening to kill you when he might have been just asking you what time it was (happened to me once as i couldnt judge the tone but my friend translated and i felt really foolish :D)….

  10. Dews on August 10, 2012 at 2:24 PM

    Hello! Manasa,

    Its really sad to hear about what happened with you. But at the same time, it was wise of you to be in the car rather coming out. I agree with Mr. Grewal. However, this does not mean, you should give up or be scared of such people. I agree, we Indians are not used to such circumstances, but that does not mean we are helpless. After the Wisconsin attack on innocent people that too in a religious gathering is a big warning in itself. Being on H4 and your husband also working there, I am sure you both have been there for a long time now. I would suggest you to keep a gun with you. You never know when you need it. God forbid, those African American ladies weren’t insane enough.

    I do not say everybody is the same (arrogant, rude, aggressive), yet you cannot take chances with your life.

    Let me share one of my experiences with you.

    I have completed my bachelors from USA. I completed it from Western Michigan University, Kalamazoo, Michigan. I was there for 2 years and as usual, like other students I too worked off campus to pay off my bills. Trust me, the place where I worked was all crowded with Trash African American people. They literally were trash.

    Once night, a guy walks in and as a store handler of course, I greeted everybody with respect. However, this guy seemed uneasy and racist. He started abusing me unnecessarily. I remained calm and after a while or so, I lost it and gave all the abuses that I could have known at that time. You see I fucked him up right there, in front of all the other customers that too all blacks. My boss had a shot gun under the counter and I knew if he dared to point gun at me, I had my shot ready too. And of course US law does not defend you from protecting yourself. Even, if something had happened I wouldn’t be guilty.

    That day on, he never dared to talk to me like that, nor did any one dared to fuck with me, after all everybody knew I was always good to them. Yes, there were a few harsh conversations, but you know those were just part of my job. We became friends after that and shook hands every time he saw me.

    My intentions are not to convey anything to you. Probably you are smart enough to understand what I want to convey to you.

    Take care from now on……!

  11. vibhashu on August 10, 2012 at 2:00 PM

    it is not america,it happens every where even here in India

  12. Harry Grewal on August 10, 2012 at 1:37 PM

    Just walk away, there is no reasoning with stupidity.

    and if there is something you want to do about the situation, US laws defend you to protect yourself in any threatening circumstance, Keep a gun or walk away. I know indians are usually scared of the name gun and more than half have not even seen a real one in their lives but it is a way to life here in the US and where i come from in India so i always keep one.

    Good luck out there.

    • rakesh singh on August 10, 2012 at 2:15 PM

      nice reply mr grewal

    • piyush bandil on August 11, 2012 at 3:16 AM

      awsum reply…
      the best way to handle these situations…..
      ” tussi cha gaye ji “……

  13. Arnab Banik on August 10, 2012 at 12:48 PM

    Hi,
    I am sorry about what happened to you.I am also a student here at University Of Memphis and those who don’t know it is one of the southern states with a huge population of afro american people.I will agree that these kind of incidents do happen every now and then,like being robbed on a gun point and stuff like that.But it is ALSO TRUE that southern decency is one of the most respected ones.They give so much respect to people around them,they always say sorry,thank you and they are really polite,At least I am here for over one year now and I never had any such problems.
    Surely every big city around the world has their share of problems and coming from India at least of all the people we should know that.But that doesn’t make a community or a place bad to live in.Surely anyone coming here should know about all this but this is just not it,these cases are in minority.USA is one of the MOST diversely populated countries in the world and and over 40 million Indians.There has to be a reason why the country still clicks right?
    And coming to your situation,what you could have done is,get out of the car and politely explain them whats your situation.Talking helps.

    • Vandit on August 10, 2012 at 1:10 PM

      Ya talking surely helps, I agree with you @Arnab Banik. But I don’t think talking will help when the other person is too aggressive and is carrying a gun. In that situation only luck will save us, we are helpless. Or may be dial emergency number(911) immediately when you foresee even slightest of threat.

      • manasa on August 10, 2012 at 1:40 PM

        When there is no physical abuse, is it still helpful to call 911?

        • vish on August 10, 2012 at 2:53 PM

          Yes, aggression is aggression. You should have got their license plates and called the police.

          • DEV on August 10, 2012 at 10:48 PM

            U KNOW D BEST THING OF US ACCORDING TO ME IS 911. I mean for almost every thng deyy r dere!



    • manasa on August 10, 2012 at 1:37 PM

      Thank you arnab.

      I should really admit I was scared to get out of the car.

      As Vandit said, they were so aggressive and getting outta car might be more dangerous for me.

      • Arnab Banik on August 10, 2012 at 2:07 PM

        I understand that you were scared but may be that is because you come with a preconceived notion that if a person is black they always wanna harm you which is not the case.May be they thought you were just being rude by parking the car there and not moving it.May be some explanation would have helped,instead of just rolling your window over. Having said that react according to the situation and don’t have a preconceived notion if you have any.

        • manasa on August 10, 2012 at 2:38 PM

          Okay I see the point.. 🙂

    • munna on August 10, 2012 at 7:03 PM

      number of Indians in USA is 3.2 million. your figure 40 million means 4 crores which is wrong.

    • A on August 11, 2012 at 12:59 AM

      Hey @Arnab,
      University of memphis, huh? I am set to go there too. Could we talk? Have a profile here on HSB?

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