We are Settled in USA and My Parents are Getting Older in India
Life in USA comes with all the bells and whistles. But, there are many challenges for an Indian family.
You must have read deep emotions in the following articles
I wish the solution were as easy as the author of this blog suggests. (Referring to above link)
I came to the US to work for max 2 yrs and then go back.
Didn’t bother applying for my GC..coz frankly I was never fascinated by the US or about settling down abroad.
Just wanted to experience independence before getting married.
Well, turns out I ended up living in the US longer than planned. Made a lot if friends, had a great time. My parents visited every year.
Met my husband and all was well, until one day I noticed my parents getting older when they visited me that year.
They do not want to live in the US.
They only want to visit. But I want to be closer to them, to be there to take care of them.
I want to move back to India now. But my husband won’t go back to India since his parents and siblings are all settled in the US.
So the next option is to try and bring my parents to US on a green card since I am a US citizen.
My parents are not very social, in the sense they don’t care for potlucks or attending events or gatherings.
Both are retired from high ranking jobs in India and are currently doing some advisory work there.
They need that mental stimulation. So getting them similar things to do in US is challenging.
Any suggestions on how to make that happen? Additional info on me..I am an only child, work full-time and have a son who goes to kindergarten. Thanks in advance for suggestions.
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I know its tough and for your parents settling down USA is very tough. They are not used to the U.S. style of living.
It is very easy to get parents to US if you are a citizen and can manage the insurance costs. The joy grandparents get with bonding with grandkids is immeasurable. Both the grandparents and your family should be adjusting and have same lifestyle to make this happen. There are 3000+ families with grandparents in Seattle and surrounding areas and the number keeps growing.
There are organizations like IAWW which conduct online and onsite program for seniors on weekly basis and provide services like immigration, healthcare and other help. Consult a immigration lawyer and organizations like IAWW to get more details.
Respect and mutual understanding is the basis of such multigenerational relationship but the fruits are immensely rewarding to you and next generation.
There are lot of people who have the grapes are sour as we couldnāt eat them mentality and should be ignored. Anything is possible if you are clear on what you want and there are many options in US to make that happen.
Everything comes at a cost. I have rejected a handsome offer to work in US along with offer to get a green card because it requires me to leave my parents, my married sisters their husbands behind. Here in India, we all live at one hour drive distance from each other. My sisters keep visiting me, my sisters, my parents, my brother in law, we meet several time during a year whenever we want. i keep meeting my borther in law and we have nice time together. Moving to US would help me buy a BMW which is not afforadable for everyone. I can not have a big house with personal garden and a personal swimming pool here in India unless i move to remote area but there are no high salary paying IT jobs in remote areas of cities.
To sum up :
Scenario 1 : I stay in India close to my loves ones and enjoy life. I have a good house, a mid level car.
Scenario 2 : I live in US, have a big house with swimming pool, drive a high end BMW or Audi but everyone is away.
I chose option 1 ;
Regards
Leaving a comment on such a old article just to help others like me trying to find answers to their questions over the internet.
It’s best to not get biased by anyone, which I have a habit of. It’s best to apply first principle to all your questions/problems rather than copy someone’s else solution.
In anyways, to answer this particular question which I personally have been conflicted so many times in life (just like author originally planned to stay in US, but ended up making a life here), my answer is to find a solution that works and flows smoothly with your current life and your families life (both parents back in India and immediate family in US), and definitely avoiding rash/strong changes. Have light fun conversation about this with your partner n parents, no need to make this an extremely difficult and painful topic. Marriage is all about partnership and relationship with aging parents is all about caring. Most can be done remotely very well as we all have learned during the pandemic times, but that physical presence does matter, so we can’t neglect it but at same time not get overwhelmed with it. First, be grateful that you, your family, parents and loved ones are hopefully still alive and healthy. Everything else, is lower priority – where you stay or where your parents stay. Focus on the greater good of humanity by helping others, not just your parents. Be a good human. Your parents will be proud of you regardless what society think or how far you stay apart.
No use bringing them here when they don’t want to.
Talk and visit them as much as possible.
We make a bitter choice of living in USA knowing we cannot make it back in time if anything happens to them (takes 2 days at least to reach)
I would suggest shift to a closer location like Europe, Dubai which can make their or your visit much more often, cut the travelling time, u can reach them in need and would be win – win for both.
I think you should not force your husband about anything and your husband should not force you anything. You can cry about your parents entire life. I know we get emotional after looking at parents but problem is they live like an independent ppl for so many years and when they will come here they have to ask you guys every time what to do and what not to. people says “old people are similar to small kid” but this is not completely true, because you can control what small kid is saying and you can correct them but you can’t do the same for old people.
Are you also planing to bring your parents and keep them with you? Did you discussed this with your husband? If you bring your parents to your house then you will loose your privacy. Believe me or not, you and your husband do need some private moments where you both can talk and discussed.
Keep priorities in you life
1. God
2. Spouse
3. Underage child
4. Work
5. Extended family and friends
Why many women in india complaint about their mother in laws, because in india tradition is girl lives with her husbands family. But if you bring your parents to your house, then your husband will start feeling those differences and that will hurt your marriage.
If you are planing to bring them to US then please please get another apartment/home for them. They will also have privacy (don’t think of privacy as only when need sex, you need privacy to talk to each other, express your thoughts as well, everyone wants to be boss of their own house.) You will also have privacy. I think indian system (culture) is way more complicated than any other system.
You get life only once and just enjoy that the way you want don’t think too much.
I would choose parents over job any time..and did you check whats going on in india these days? metro cities lifestyle is almost same as in usa (except traffic)
1. there are tons of high paying jobs, you could book train/flight on internet, order grocery online, do online shopping..
2. i would like to be surrounded with my relatives in india. so india wins !
just try to convince your HUSBAND, put up yours and his resume on NAurki.com , use your network and get job in india !
I am on H1B in chicago and i dont want to spend rest of my lives living fake lifestyle – trying to blend in with americans by faking my accent or trying too hard to mingle in and praising their sports(which we dont like).
With 3 yrs of saving i have purchased luxurious 1 crore flat in posh area of gurgaon( 50 lac saving + 50 lac loan..50k per month emi) ..not a big deal for husband wife working in IT sector of india.
i am 28 male, getting married next month, living close to MY NCR relatives, brothers,papa mummy in posh area of gurgaon.. my company offers me AC cab from home to office, weekend will be spent explorign chandigarh,sohna lakes, shimla,delhi.. and lots of cricket…LOL i am not crazy to fall in trap of fake US lifestyle where they dont live will parents and parents live lonely lives ! animals do that, not humans…Humans never abandon their parents/kids.
Thanks for sharing your views. Why would you call the lifestyle fake in USA?
You don’t have ot fake your accent. I don’t and never have. But, you change the way you speak so they can understand. There’s different between faking vs clearly communicating. Right?
Well said! I really appreciate that – We do not have to compare India with US. At what ever pace we develop, India and Indians will take pride in their country and nationality.
Whatever you do, don’t bring your parents to the USA. Not only it would be a very costly affair (because of healthcare costs), they would likely not enjoy the experience at all. Rather, learn to take your own decisions and stop whining. No one is forcing you either way, you are free to choose what you want to do.
Whatever you do, don’t bring your parents to the US. Not only it would be a very costly affair (because of healthcare costs), they would likely not enjoy the experience at all. Rather, learn to take your own decisions and stop whining. No one is forcing you either way, you are free to choose what you want to do.
Nice comments. but what we all forget that life is evolving.your parents were able to give you all they did because they were together and still together as husband and wife. so u must bear this in mind , you must respect your husband’s wishes. ultimately you have a life to leave, your parents has led theirs, its not about selfishness or disrespect but just the plane truth. I think in this regards, your parents has the understanding to do,. you are able to love them this much because they raised you in a loving family environment, so u will need this kind of environment to raise ur child as well. But in all you have to love and show your parents the care they desesrve but ultimately YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FAMILY TO LOVE AND CARE FOR.
this is a Nigerian perspective.
very realistic comment. great
Sorry Chris, eventhough your comment seems realistic, from Indian perspective you are wrong!! In India its very much different! at least for the majority of people! family system is wayy different from the rest of world!
ok akshay001. You know I had a feeling that your ways as indians might be different , that was why i had to state that my comment is from a nigerian perspective. thanks for giving me a clue about the india culture. cheers
Nobody seems to have given thought to What will happen to your husband’s parents ?
Ok that India is moving ahead , you get everything online , but know the pains of people when they get fake items or not as per order ! You do not seem to have trapped in judicial / police matter. Get that data. Why can’t you earn extra buck for your parents ?
Well said……
i may put some points though i am not old enough to advice.
Frankly speaking you cannot do much in this case unless you & ur husband take some giant steps, as there are limitations from both the sides. except, you can try and try to bring them to US after few more years.
Being the only child of ur parents its always a major responsibility especially for a girl child (though its similar to a boy too) and i assume u must have thought over it about how to manage their oldage many times right from you decided to go for ur masters till u married (it would be surprising if u didnt). my elder sister’s friend had similar issue and she was always concerned about her parents while taking every decision about her life, even when she chose her husband her condition was that he should take responsibility of her parents. i believe its not like you suddenly realized ur responsibility when u found out ur parents are getting old.
Now, if they are highly independent (its generally found that parents having only girl child are very self sufficient and independent) let them stay in India and do their advisory work as long as they dont need anybody to look after them. Problem araises only when they need somebody’s presense 24×7! you may convince them to move to USA then. for your information there are several indian organizations in US where needs of indian parents are taken care of like regular meetups, get togethers etc. I know there is BMM (Brihan Maharashtra Mandal essentially for Marathi ppl, HO in Atlanta), also there is this NRIPO (non-resident Indian Parent’s Org.) and such similar orgz. you need to find them out. (its not “vriddhashram, pardon me, its just an org. which makes their life more colorful & interesting).
Taking a leave for 1 year is so stupid idea, i cant stop laughing!! anyway, if moving back to India is completely out-of-question then please stop getting sad about it. u can do a lot more than that.
i read, ur parents are not really much into socializing but trust me majority of Indian parents are similar to your parents! but slowly they will becom social if they get the right environment.
some parents are very hard to convince, in such case dont force them but keep regular watch and do as much as you can. and please remember, whenever we take decisions in our personal lives, we secretly sacrifice several things, they might not occur to us immediately but at some point they do! doing as much as possible without feeling sorry is what Lord Krishna tells in Bhagwadgita! Being a Neutralized American now you must have learnt how to successfully separate emotions from duties and balance them effectively. implement them here! its ur test! best of luck!
You seem to have covered many points that too very logically.
Hi Mina,
I’d agree to what Mr.Khurana suggested.
Alternately,
Taking a break from work , etc doesnt sound practical.
I’d say, make up for staying away. Do things for your parents that’ll make them happy. Many things, besides you being around your parents, could make them happy Mina.
Fulfill all of their small dreams which they thought were insignificant.
Many such tiny efforts from your end will please them. Try getting them involved into some work/hobby of their choice. If you anyway have to stay away , make it a point to earn so damn well that regular, more frequent trips to India turn easy.
The satisfaction you’d experience post this is unmatchable!
And Good luck!
First of all shut up Manish and A for nonsense answers. She has mentioned it over there that she is married and her husband is unwilling to go back. What you guys need she should leave her husband and go back to India? What about her son??? Okay what about her husband?? So think before you comment?
For Mina I would suggest educate your parents that why you can’t leave them alone and why you can’t come back. I know parents will not understand this at this age. They have strong bonds with India.
You can try this bring them to USA for a long period say 6 months and try to convince them not to go back. Promise them to take to India once in a year and keep your promise. As they are strongly attached with India it is just impossible for them to leave the place at once. Few trips to India and then back to USA will help them to adjust and soon they will realize your importance. They will be happy watching their grandson growing and they will miss him when in India.
At this point of age money and materialistic comfort is not that important as emotional comfort is required. Provide them the same. Don’t just keep your schedule office and work but spend some time with them.
Taking them to Disneyland for a weekend will not work as much as you and your family spending time with them and chatting.
Most of the parents when brought from India to USA feel lonely and this is the major factor why parents don’t wish to settle in USA. Try to spend as much time as you can with your parents so that they don’t feel alone in USA.
If possible take a break from your job for about an year or so and spend all the time with them. Later when they are adjusted to America, you can go back to job.
Parents sacrifice for their kids so once they understand you and see that you left job just to be with them, they will understand and will settle in USA.
This is what I can suggest.
R S Khurana is right. He seems to have covered many points that too very logically. More thinking on your part is necessary once you take them with you to USA as only you know more about your parents.
This is where you need to be practical. My advice comes from experience,probably the best one.
Here, you need not be too emotional. Your obligation as a child is to bring your parents wherever you work. You are the future. Your parents are the past. They should be able to live with you. Offer them the option of living with you. Potluck, not social are excuses, not relevant, not big factors. They have to listen to you. You have worked hard to settle in USA. Do not waste it.
Dude,
Did your parents give you an option of living in India when you wanted come here?…How can you be so much ignorant and shameless on such a public platform? If you have no respect/care for your parents at least don’t give others such ridiculous advice. You are because your parents. I think they brought you up and wasted their whole life for a stupid child like you. You have no future if you can not fulfill small needs of your parents in their old age.
Bro..I’m in consummate accord with you !!
Hats off !!
Manish, I really appreciate what you said. Nobody is permanent here. This body is perishable and after death beggar and a king are no different. You might be amassing fortunes in your future but remember that your parents have made you to stand wherever you are. Second, parents will always want your happiness by compromising theirs. Why to give them any situation where they have to compromise for their happiness when they have done everything for our happiness throughout their live?They are also human beings and constantly striving for happiness. Deep down every parents crave for their children and want them to stay with them. That’s when they don’t have to compromise. I love my parents and i will stay with them till i am alive. I might sound like a less ambitious person but i don’t care what others might have to say about this. Love you mom and dad… š
I agree with Manish. What did US do to you to make you so cold? Experience?? Dont you have any experience when your parents spent big bucks to educate you, feed you…what would be your career without them? You owe every damn thing to them. So shut up!
All of you are right in their respective ways. You have to strike a balance between your future commitments towards your family and being around with your parents, They sacrificed for you on many occasions and will continue to do the same till death. They will no way permit you to be away from your spouse and kids even for short while. They are very understanding hence continue the way u have been but you could spend longer holidays at india that gives your young kid exposure to indian culture and values they will be more than happy with. dont even consider the option of closing shop at US for being with your parents , u will break their heart,All the best
Everything comes at a cost. I have rejected a handsome offer to work in US along with offer to get a green card because it requires me to leave my parents, my married sisters their husbands behind. Here in India, we all live at one hour drive distance from each other. My sisters keep visiting me, my sisters, my parents, my brother in law, we meet several time during a year whenever we want. i keep meeting my borther in law and we have nice time together. Moving to US would help me buy a BMW which is not afforadable for everyone. I can not have a big house with personal garden and a personal swimming pool here in India unless i move to remote area but there are no high salary paying IT jobs in remote areas of cities.
To sum up :
Option 1 : I stay in India close to my loves ones and enjoy life. I have a good house, a mid level car.
Option 2 : I live in US, have a big house with swimming pool, drive a high end BMW or Audi but everyone is away.
I chose option 1 ;
Regards